I have never been shot.
I realize that if I didn’t have the background I do, that would be a very odd statement. As the team medic, I saw plenty of gunshot wounds and packed/bandaged a few, but thankfully, never had one of my own. I would venture a guess that between seeing, treating, or just talking with people who have been shot, I have a pretty good awareness of the experience. However, I don’t…….. I can’t really, understand it, because it’s not my experience.
When people find out that you have multiple sclerosis, many feel like they should say something and usually, they mean well. Certain things grate on me depending on their delivery, timing, my mood, etc and there will be plenty of posts on this blog covering them in detail. Today, I want to cover, “I understand”.
People say, “I understand, what you’re going through……how you feel……what it’s like…”, and so on and 99% of them probably mean well. There is that 1% that doesn’t, but they’re easy to distinguish because they usually follow it with something along the lines of, “If it was me, I’d do……”, or, “What you ought to do/try is……”. The implication being that whatever you’re doing now isn’t good enough. We’ll cover those people another time.
For the 99% that mean well, I’m genuinely grateful….. 99% of the time. Sorry, I’m not perfect. No, no, I can be honest. If you catch me at the wrong time, on the wrong day, etc, my mood may vary, but most of the time, I know what you mean when you say, “I understand”, and I’m grateful.
Thank you, from the bottom of my itty bitty, grinch heart, thank you. I know, you’re trying to understand; you want to understand and that means a lot, it really does. Here’s the thing. You can’t understand. I don’t even want you to understand (I spent a long time thinking I did), because that would mean you were just like me and I don’t want that for you. What I do want is for you to understand……that you don’t undertand and that that’s a good thing.
Don’t try to understand, but do try to be aware. Being aware is so much more than just knowing something exists. I say that because I once thought that was all it meant. Sure, I want you to know it exists, but I want you to be aware of what it does, why I cancelled plans at the last minute, why I keep dropping my fork at dinner, why a full day in the sun at the beach doesn’t sound exciting to me, and why I’m so different than your cousin’s, friend’s, uncle, who also has MS.
That last part is so important. I’ve mentioned before that I’m only part of one MS forum, the Kurmudgeon’s Korner. I think that one of the reasons it is a good fit for me, is that even though we all have MS, are very, very, aware, and can empathize with each other, we don’t presume to understand everyone’s unique experience with their unique disease process.
Maybe, “get”, as in,”You have to get MS to ‘get’ MS”, doesn’t mean understand completely. I have it and I don’t fully understand it. No one does and no, I don’t think that’s too bold of me to say. The best of my family and friends don’t understand, know they don’t understand, don’t try to understand, but are keenly aware of my limitations and the predictably unpredictable nature of the disease and inexplicably want to hang around me anyway.
As with everything I write, this is all just my opinion and as much as I’m loathe to admit it, I don’t know everything.